A Night of Hot Steamy Passion!
by Mullet-Revolution
Summary: Tas: What does that mean? Tanis: Nothing good.... *shakes head* Ironi Numair: Despite the title it's anything but! Anne: Lots of laughs, forced romance, and a mage trying to kill us.
1. Oh Gods, there's two!

One day, the companions were wandering through….who knows where. Wandering about, with no real reason except SAVING THE WORLD. Because that's what hero's do, damnit. 

It was a cloudy day, an air of danger wafting through the trees. Of course, this doesn't affect our addle-brained kinder, who proceeded to drive everyone absolutely insane, i.e. they were ready to kill him. 

Everyone was lost in their own thoughts, however speaking aloud. Why? Because you, the readers, can't read minds now can you?

"Laurana seems to have matured…but what about Kitiara? I'm so lost…but it doesn't matter, I'm just a bastard half-elf anyway…boohoo." Tanis muttered, throwing himself a pity-party as a rain-cloud appeared above his head.

"I haven't gotten any nookie lately…and I'm hungry…are you going to eat that Raist? You look pale, want me to carry you?" babbled Caramon, gazing at his smaller twin fondly.

(AN: get those dirty thoughts out of your heads! That's for later.)

"Shut up!" Raistlin barked, then fell over, gasping for air. Raistlin is too intelligent to speak his thoughts out-loud, I mean, did any of the other companions get to go off with the gods to make new worlds? No. Our point remains. 

"What's this, can I see? Oh, I'm sorry Flint, is this yours? Well Tanis, be glad I found it for you! No Raistlin, I didn't take your…oh, how did that get there? Just jumped right in! Please let go of my throat Riverwind." Prattled Tasslehoff.

"I'm gonna shag Goldmoon like there's no tomorrow tonight…course there might not be because of the whole evil goddess thing going on…" Riverwind paused and noticed everyone staring at him. "Did I say that out loud?" he blushed.

"In plain common." Sturm added flatly.

Goldmoon flushed, completely out of character, "Oh I love you too, but because I am the chief's daughter…wait…or am I the chief? Where the heck are we in the time line?"

Shut up, that's not important. So then the companions decided to stop for lunch and a small rest, even though they had only gone a whopping two miles. Blame the fucking mage.

Anyway, remember that evil-air thing? Yep. Here it comes.

"I sense danger approaching, an evil of incomparable power so I can scare you all shitless." Wheezed Raistlin, before going back to that gross tea he has.

Just then, out of the trees, two modern figures appeared, bearing pencils and pads. "Hi!" they said in unison.

"Hi." The companions said, completely trusting them already. Except Raistlin, who's hourglass eyes widened in fear and he dove behind the log they were sitting upon.

"What is it Raist?" asked Caramon, stealthily stealing his food in the process.

"You don't know?" the mage hissed, re-emerging. "That's Ironi Numair, that bitch who tortures me in her stories, and Anne, who's only read two hundred pages of the first book!" he fell over coughing again.

"What?" cried Anne, insulted, despite the fact it was true, "I'll have you know it was three hundred fifty pages, thank you very much!"

"Oh," said the rest of the companions, though they still had no clue what the mage was talking about. 

Tanis approached, the diplomat of the group, and inquired to two fearsome authors slowly, "What are you here for then?"

"We decided to join the _yaoi_ community!" Numair piped.

"So that means Goldmoon's gotta go, and…you, whoever you are." Anne said, pointing to the elf maiden.

"I'm Laurana," she replied flatly.

"Yeah yeah, I haven't gotten that far." Anne countered, shooing her off.

"What is _yaoi_?" Caramon inquired as a dunce hat appeared on his head. Raistlin smirked.

Tanis backed away from the authors in fear. "It means…guy on guy relationships!" he squeaked, as it suddenly occurred to him _why_ the females were being chased away. "**_RUN_**!" he shouted, bolting. The group scattered.

"Should we go after them?" pondered Numair, absently.

"Nah, we have the electric barrier up. Besides, they won't get too far, see?"

"Hack!" Raistlin fell over face first, meaning Caramon had to come back to get him, resulting in Sturm coming back to help, which meant Tasslehoff came back to see what was happening, so Flint had to come back to get him, and Tanis followed Flint, so Riverwind came back after Tanis. So, because of that one trip-up, they all had to come back. 

"Damn mage!" Strum hissed as the group admitted defeat.

Raistlin coughed blood on him in response, _Exorcist_ style.

"Okay," began Tanis, trying to get the authors to change their minds, "Why are you doing a _yaoi_? You never have before."

"Well, you see, we're making another statement, we tend to do a lot of these. See, many people who write this stuff make the dumbest pairings that make the least amount of sense. Obviously seen in Escaflowne fics," explained Numair.

"DilandauandVan!" coughed Anne, smacking her chest slightly.

"Bless you." Caramon stated politely. Raistlin glared.

"You'll be getting nowhere with these two, my brother, many believe they're lovers."

"JUST FOR THAT YOU MAGE SHIT YOU'RE GONNA BE EVERY MAN'S PLAYTOY!!!" Anne shrieked, raising her fist to pound upon the weak mage. 

"Anne, no!" Numair cried, grabbing her arm.

"He called us lovers!"

"It's just his defenses raising, okay, he has no friends, remember?"

"Stupid mage…" growled Anne, sitting back down.

"That's good." Numair turned and glared at Raistlin, then whispered sharply, eyes narrowed, "You're going to _die_ in Hourglass!"

"Speaking of which," Tanis sighed, "what exactly are our…" he shuddered, "pairings?"

"Glad you asked, take it away Numair!"

"Bachelor number one has spent much of his life in Qualinesti! Tall and handsome, in that rugged way, he's grown a beard, why? Because he _can_, thanks to his human father!"

Tanis scooted away, not liking where this was going one bit…

"Say hello to our half-elf, Tanis, er, Half-Elven!"

"Nooooo…" Tanis sobbed, face in his hands. Raistlin laughed, and then proceeded to hack up a lung, falling off the log.

"Bachelor number two seeks to be a god! Low charisma and bad health, no one likes him at all, except for his twin brother who he supposedly killed in the high tower of sorcery!"

Raistlin pretty much hacked up the other lung at that.

"He's also a weakling that's a prick!" Anne added, glaring at Raistlin.

"You always thought he was alright before," whispered Numair.

"Except now. Him and Sturm…"

"Yeah, he's not my favorite either…"

Sturm narrowed his eyes.

"Well get that stick outta your ass and we'll talk." Numair smiled, backing up.

"Hey, do you want to be in this?" inquired Anne, pointing to the paper, pencil poised. The knight shook his head, he did not want to get involved.

"So what does that mean, huh? Does Tanis and Raistlin have to kiss? Do they gotta run off and get married? Is Raistlin gonna get pregnant…!" 

WHACK! The kender went flying, and Raistlin returned the Staff of Magius to its place beside him.

"Oh, just you wait." Anne winked, as Numair laughed maniacally.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Um, note: We are not meaning to insult anyone in particular. Some guy/guy pairing as well done, and kinda make sense. Salute to Michelle Smith! Anyway, this is just dumb parody for fun. We like Tanis, he's one of Anne's favorites, and we know I love Raistlin, that's why we have to abuse them! It's our way of showing love. Um…yeah…we're normally not like this, we write better than this, but…when we get together, all hell breaks loose. Yeah, R&R, please, for good or bad, though I see much bad…but we're gonna continue so know it's futile. Okay, goodbye!


	2. Raistlin and Tanis, sitting in a tree SM...

The scene opens to find the companions sitting around with glum faces. Flint sat on Tanis, who was pawing at the earth like a mad dog, trying to escape for his dear life. Caramon, simply held his twin up off the ground by the hood of his robe, his staff lay on the ground, out of reach.

"I'm sorry Raist," Caramon said meekly, holding his brother out of slapping range, "but it's either this or we all get involved."

"When I get out of this I'm going to _kill_ you…again!!!" snarled Raistlin, and proceeded to cough some more.

The authors shook their heads, smiling slightly. They didn't _want_ to threaten anybody, but they were all being so stubborn. The two finally had announced that if they didn't cooperate, there would be a group orgy.

The companions had suddenly grown very willing to get Raistlin and Tanis to go along with the authors. Whether they liked it or not. 

"Okay everyone, we have the scripts ready!" Anne announced, waving a few 3x5 notecards in the air.

"There's a script?" everyone, including Numair, asked.

"Script, smut, it's all the same!" Anne said carelessly. Numair nodded happily, while the companions looked at each other in mortal fear.

"So where do we start?" Riverwind inquired, looking first at Tanis with pity in his eyes, then to Raistlin, then back at Tanis with an _incredible_ amount of pity.

"Oooh! Let's start with all the fluff and shit!" Numair cried, hopping up and down in a girly fashion.

"Like we would know about that! I've never had a boyfriend…or anything…" mused Anne.

"Gee, I wonder why." Raistlin muttered bitterly, rolling his eyes. Anne simply went over and, looking him directly in the eye now that he was lifted to her level, pushed his shoulder, causing him to spin. 

"I know! I know! Like blushing and cute notices of touch and giggles and flusters and big big diamond rings and…!" Tasslehoff exclaimed, running up to Numair and pulling his sleeve.

"Yeah!" Anne declared, pushing the mage once more and watching him turn a lovely shade of green, "Tas, you're gonna help us from now on!"

The companions glared at the kender, murder in their eyes. Tasslehoff, oblivious to their spite, beamed proudly.

"They're on a picnic, and the others will have to go and…and…get wood." Anne decided, nodding her head in agreement.

"It doesn't take five people to get wood…" Caramon pondered, scratching his head and discovering that dunce hat still there.

"Just get in your places!"

"Yes ma'am…" they all said flatly, shifting into places slowly.

"Okay, action!" declared Numair once everyone was in their places.

"Once upon a time there lived companions that had magic abilities and other shit like that…"

"Nice Annie."

"Shut up, you're taking away from the setting," growled Anne, glaring at Numair. "They all sat around a campfire…. On a picnic…"

All the companions growled and sat around their fire. 

"These people think that they are authors?" hissed Sturm to Flint, both glaring at the authors.

"It suddenly got chilly.."

Numair threw ice cubes at the companions, then dumped the excess ice water on Raistlin. "Aw, look, a sudden downpour soaked Raisty-boy to the bone. Tsk tsk. Caramon, what are you going to do about it?"

"Give him this blanket right here?" the warrior suggested, handing a big blanket to his brother, who glared with a sour expression on his face.

"Wrong answer!" Anne proclaimed, snatching the blanket and throwing it into the fire. "Read the script!" and she handed him a napkin.

"But we have a fire now…"

"_Read the fucking script!_" hissed Anne, resembling Raistlin for a mere second. 

"It's a picture of some kid with wings…"

"Oh, Van…sorry." Anne said, grabbing the napkin and stuffing it into her pocket. "Here you go." And handed him a tissue, which he promptly handed to his sniffling brother. Raistlin coughed a large amount of blood into it, rolled it into a ball and chucked it at the authors. Anne ducked, and the bloody wad hit Numair in the face.

"Eeeew!" screeched Numair, jumping away and wiping his face against a tree. Sliding on a rubber glove, Numair picked up the wad and threw it back at the mage, missed and hit Tasslehoff in the shoulder.

"My, what's this?" he pondered, pocketing it. Everyone wrinkled their noses and scooted away from the kender.

"Okay everyone! This is how it's going!" fumed Numair, wiping blood off the glove onto Anne's jeans, who punched Numair in response. "Everyone goes off to get wood, because there isn't any, if you know what's good for you!!!!"

"Um, guys, Numair's rarely mad that often so I would do it." Anne prompted.

"Raistlin can't go 'cause he's a weak little fuck—"

"—ooh, really mad—" 

"And you can't leave him alone cause he can kill you all whenever he feels like it so Tanis opts to stay behind cause he likes him!"

"I do not." Tanis retorted, insulted.

"You do now!! So sit down and shut up!"

Everyone including Anne stared blankly at Numair.

"GO!"

The companions slowly rose and began to filter off into the woods. The two authors could hear Sturm whisper to Riverwind.

"Maybe we'll luck out and the mage will kill the authors."

"Wouldn't that stop the story?" piped Caramon, walking beside them.

"That's the point lad." Flint replied, patting him on the back. The dwarf looked back at the petrified half-elf one last time worriedly before they vanished into the trees.

"Okay," Anne said, clamping her hands together happily, "Let's get started!"

"That's what you think," rasped Raistlin, standing slowly. He gestured to the two and began to chant the language of magic. "_Ast tasarak…_"

"Nope, sorry," Anne grinned evilly, "the electrical barrier we have up is also a magic dampener. No spells. We planned ahead."

The mage cursed and sat back down, his hourglass eyes glaring at the two fiercely, because he's Raistlin, it's what he _does_.

"The two strike up a conversation!" Numair declared, prompting the two expectantly. 

"……………"

"_Strike!_"

"Um…" Tanis began uncomfortably, "So uh…you're the smartest one here…"

"Duh."

"What do you…um…advise for our situation of this…picnic?"

"I say we kill these fools and run for our bloody lives."

Tanis nodded, he agreed with that.

"I guess we'll have to do more prompting…" Numair sighed.

"Well, they're on opposite sides of the fire, how can they get close?" Anne pondered.

"I know! Raist, cough!"

For the first time in years, the mage sat silent, his breathing regular. Anne, frustrated, grabbed the remaines of the blanket and began to fan the smoke from the fire in his direction. He immediately began to hack up a storm.

"That's…cheating!" he wheezed.

"Well, have you noticed fanfic life isn't fair?"

Numair had snuck around Raistlin at this point, and before Tanis could warn him, Numair grabbed his arm and began fishing in his sleeve. The mage struggled to no avail.

"Geez, you can't fight against _me_? You are weak!" Numair then drew out the small silver dagger that was concealed in Raistlin's sleeve. "And no seppuku for you!"

"Damn!" coughed the mage.

"Hey Tanis, look at that. He's having trouble breathing. Go help."

"No. He can manage."

"No he can't!" Anne snarled, picking him up by his beard and pulling over to the mage and pushed him down on the rock. Tanis grumbled to himself.

"Back to narrating," Numair said happily, "Ahem. Tanis had always had a form of respect for the mage, but as of late, he had felt it deepen…"

"No I have not!"

"Yes you do! So, he had stayed behind to be alone with the young mage. He found Raistlin oddly handsome in a……golden sort of way…yeah…it reminded him of…of…the sun! Yeah, his eyes were like the sun! Burning into your soul until you could stand no more! And he had a…um…nice scent…"

"Oh yes…Ode de _Death_…" Raistlin mumbled.

"And…um…he was mature and um…"

"I do _not_ have some fixation with Raistlin!" Tanis shouted.

"Thank Lunitari…" the mage hissed.

"Fine! Raistlin also had found the half-elf attractive…"

"Ah yes, the beautiful rotting corpse that he is."

Anne glared at the mage, and the two continued to have a stare-down as Numair babbled on.

"So um…Raistlin had a slight…longing for the elder man, only about seventy years his senior, ever since he had stood up for them against the widow Judith after his father died and…"

"No I didn't."

"Fine! Read your damn card!"

Tanis sighed and gazed at the card, eyebrow lifted. "Oh Raistlin," he read in monotone, "Ever since the first moment I saw you so very long ago when you were a youth of five…" looking up, he guessed that Anne had written this script, "My heart told me that you were the one…."

"Then what about my sister?" Raistlin replied in monotone, Numair holding up his card. 

"That was the closest I could get to you, my love," muttered Tanis wrinkling his face in disgust the more he read.

"Oh, I understand, I have loved thee as well. It's been so hard thought, especially after all those years of torment and longing you piece of shit writers…"

"HEY!"

"And then the two proceeded to blush," smiled Anne gazing at them expectantly. The two just glared at each other. "Blush…" Still nothing.

"What are we going to do?" questioned Numair.

"Oh, I've got it… three way with that elf chick and…"

"Kitiara!" finished Numair.

Tanis turned a bright red. 

"There you go!" laughed Anne and Numair, clapping. They then turned to the mage expectantly. Nothing.

"How are we going to do that one?" groaned Numair. "Come on, think of something you've never seen, sexy hot elves, a naked woman!" Still nothing. "Damn, he's good."

SMACK.

Raistlin's head jerked as a bright red spot appeared where Anne had slapped him. 

"There we go!" giggled Anne, patting herself on the back. Numair jerked around, almost expecting the roar of Raistlin's very angry brother. But no, they were still gathering wood.

The two authors turned to each other, obviously trying to think of a new idea. Tanis handed the staff to Raistlin.

"Knock them dead, I mean it…"

"Really, your elven code doesn't get in the way," mocked Raistlin.

"Not this time, kill them!" 

Raistlin stood and lifted the staff high preparing the fatal blow. Anne slowly turned around and noticed Raistlin.

"Aww shit!" Anne ducked as Raistlin brought the staff down. 

"Huh?" pondered Numair looking up.

SMACK. 

Numair looked at them blankly, obviously not affected. 

"That hurt."

"No, they're invincible!"

"Nah, there just isn't anything up there to hurt," whispered Anne. 

"That really hurt," pouted Numair rubbing his head slightly. "Just for that, kissing."

"Nice going Raistlin," growled Tanis folding his arms across his chest.

Raistlin shot him the you-are-next look. 

An hour later still no progress.

"Come on guys, we're just as tired as you are. Just do it and get it over with. And I mean real kissing here, okay? That French cheek kissing thing just didn't cut it!"

"It was cultural." Raistlin snapped, already more than pissed.

"Just kiss him." Groaned Anne, her head resting on her hands.

"No."

"Fine. Tanis, you kiss him. He's the inexperienced one. I forgot."

"You've never kissed anybody?" Tanis inquired Raistlin, smirking.

"Fuck off halfbreed."

"Touché."

"All right," Numair stated, rising, "if you two don't kiss, _for real_, right now, I'm bringing in Elistan, and you all can do a lot more than discuss the pantheon!"

Tanis' eyes widened in fear. He suddenly reached out, grabbed Raistlin's head, and pulled into a full kiss on the lips.

"That's what I'm talking about! Enthusiasm!"

Raistlin flailed his arms and began beating on the half-elf, trying to break the liplock. Tanis released him and spit on the ground.

"Gods! He even _tastes_ like death!" Tanis shouted, spitting up everything he could.

"My first kiss was with…with…" he couldn't finish as he spat up quite a lot of blood. Tanis turned slightly green and spat up even more.

"Now we deepen it." Anne stated, arms akimbo.

"D-deepen it?" Tanis whimpered, his voice cracking.

"Yup. Now we get angsty and provocative."

Raistlin fell off the log, not breathing. The authors ignored him and proceeded.

"Tanis, read your script please."

Tanis sighed and continued in monotone. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"No!…(hack) I do…(cough) NOT!!!"

"Yes, he'd love to." Anne replied.

Numair knelt beside Raistlin and spoke up for him, with a lot more passion than the mage ever tried. "Of course my love. I want to give you everything! But…I've never done this before!"

"You haven't?" inquired Tanis to the mage, smirking once more.

"Go fuck yourself!" Raistlin snarled.

"Anyway," Anne began, continuing the narration, "Tanis knew he would have to be gentle, as Raistlin was inexperienced. A delicate flower which bloomed in winter, so soft and pretty, yet sharp to the touch. His long cascading blond hair which lay in waves, his small form which fit perfectly with his own body…"

"Umm… Annie? Has your friend given you more romance novels?" questioned Numair.

"She has other friends?" hissed Raistlin to Tanis.

"…. It was said that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, yet their love would show they how. Oh yes, the dog represents the leashing of their emotions, kept at bay for so long. A gentle sea with a summer breeze rippling across its surface, released to the mighty monsoon. Lashing upon the shore with all its fury, but no Tanis would have to be, gentler." 

"Yeah!" exclaimed Numair, patting Anne on the back. 

Tanis raised his hand. "Question."

"Yeah?" asked Anne coming back to reality.

"Who's going to be on top?" the half-elf squeaked, afraid of the answer.

"That's it, you've got spunk! He's getting into this!" praised Anne, patting him on the back.

"Well, face facts, it's gonna have to be Tanis cause Raistlin," pausing, he looked at the mage, "would you even know where to put it?"

Another blow to the head by the staff of Magius, this time left Numair a little dazed.

"Tanis leaned closer," continued Anne, focusing back on narration, "and reached for…"

"We got wood!!!" announced Caramon, bounding out of the forest with a silly grin on his face. 

"Damn, just when it was getting good," muttered Numair coming out of the daze. Tanis and Raistlin were so relieved that they hugged each other almost laughing with joy, then noticed who they were hugging and quickly pulled away. Tanis leapt back to his spot across the fire.

"Say, you guys look sick? What did you do? Is Raistlin going to have a baby!?" questioned the kender who prompting went flying back through the trees.

"Are you okay lad?" asked Flint, grabbing Tanis' shoulder and shaking it slightly.

"Awww!!" exclaimed the authors watching the exchange. Flint quickly withdrew his hand.

"Scarred, but otherwise alright," Tanis sighed putting his head between his knees.

"Now what you unholy demons?" Riverwind inquired getting a good look at the vomiting mage. 

"Good thing you asked, we're kinda sick of this group, they're just so… uncooperative…" groaned Numair looking at the two. "So, we've picked a more compatible group!"

"Bachelor number one," started Anne, winking at the group playfully. "has a stick up his ass. He's all about honor and crap, guess who and win a cookie."

"STURM! STURM!!!!!" cried Tasslehoff running out of the woods.

"Correct! Here," hands him a lumpy cookie she made, "Bachelor number two is a weak mage that no one likes."

"No no no no no no no no!!!!!" cried Sturm, reaching for his sword.

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ewww…. Feeling dirty. Yeah, we apologize to the following characters:

Tanis: We love ya babe, you poor dear. We would never do that to you… again…

Raistlin: We are very _very _sorry, please don't kill us.

Ourselves: This is degrading, but highly amusing. Heehe.

Next chapter, opposites attract. 


	3. Raistina and Sturmdymion: Opposites attr...

Disclaimer: Haven't done one of these yet… (thus we don't own Dragonlance).

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"No no no no no!" finished Sturm after yelling at the authors for ten minutes. The other companions sat around the fire with pity clearly written on their faces. Tanis, however, was trying to hide a smug satisfied smile since it was no longer him being forced to do this.

"For once I agree with the knight," rasped Raistlin from his spot on the outskirts of the group, being the reject that he is, his hourglass eyes glinting evilly.

"Aww, look, they are already getting along!" cooed Anne while folding her hands gaily.

"Damn mage," barked Sturm glaring over into the shadows where the mage inhabited. 

"Question," started Caramon raising his hand, looking at the others for support, his dunce hat tilted jauntily to the right. "Raistlin's already gone, why's he going again?"

"He pissed off Annie for one," sighed Numair looking away from the knight. "What? Do you want to take his place?"

Caramon shook his head vigorously while tilting his special dunce hat over his eyes.

"Thanks brother," hissed Raistlin glaring at Caramon with the heat of a thousand suns.

"No no no no no!" Sturm started once more while looking over at the shadows where Raistlin was coughing again.

Numair tilted her head to the side staring at the knight's face. "How do you get your moustache like that?"

Anne groaned, slapped Numair upside the head, and pushed her out of the way. "Okay, let's get rolling with this chapter based off of romance novels."

"Romance novel?" Riverwind inquired, terror seeping into his eyes. 

"Yes my uneducated barbarian," Anne stated, ignoring Riverwind's glare, "Where at first our chosen pair hate each other, but then slowly gain each other's trust until love blooms between them…"

"Using the slimmest, tragic horrible life-altering-past-yet-I-am-a-woman-I-am-strongest woman available and the most muscular I-am-manly-but-have-enough-feminine-emotional-capabilities-to-make-the-woman-like-himest man!" Numair proclaimed loudly in one breath.

"And it's the best sex they've ever had!" Anne stated dramatically, shaking her fist.

The companions looked at each other in terror. 

"Wait, Annie?" Numair pondered, scratching her head.

"Yes Stinky?"

"I don't know how romances work, I've read a few back-flaps and laughed but…"

"Hmmm…well I've read two that my other friend loaned me…unless you count the ones I read in Japan 'cause those had some sex…"

"If we're talking about sex then I've read several."

"Numair, you skank."

The companions saw their chance. "**_RUN_**!!!" Tanis shouted, and the group scattered.

Anne looked over her shoulder carelessly. "They're doing it again."

Numair looked up and shrugged. "Will wonders never cease."

The companions all dove for the woods. Raistlin hacked again, tripped over the log and rolled several feet, using colorful adjectives all the way. Caramon whirled on his heels and came back. Looking up, he saw no one else had bothered this time. Let those two suffer on their own. In the distance, Caramon could hear that the others had finally reached the barrier. 

ZAP!

"Ai!" 

"I suppose we have to go get them now." Numair sighed.

"Too far…you go get them."

"Fine…Wait, I've got it." Numair scribbled something down on the pad of paper and POP the companions sat around the fire again.

"We can't escape!" Flint yelled, slamming his fist against the log.

"We're happy to see you too. Anyway, back to the story…" Anne began.

"I will not degrate myself with…_that_ mage!" 

"You hurt his feelings," Anne pouted, "kiss and make up!"

"He has feelings?" Riverwind muttered to Tanis who shrugged, equally surprised.

"Aw, come on guys," Numair said, crouching down and looking into the glaring mage's hourglass eyes, "Raistlin has sex appeal…" tilting her head to the side, Numair peered closely, eyes narrowing, "…somewhere in there…"

Raistlin spat blood on Numair.

"Okay, let's set up the scene now!" Anne declared waving, horror of horrors, a full page of script in the air, complete with doodles.

"No!" Sturm shouted, sitting down into one of his depression fits.

"Come on Sturm, you've got to listen to us ladies." Anne teased, poking him.

"I don't know about you," the knight growled, pointing to Numair, "but that is not a……what in the name of…!?"

"What?"

"She was a he a minute ago!"

"Really?" Anne turned and glared at Numair, "Stop it! You're confusing them! Don't worry," she continued, patting Sturm on the arm, who flinched at the touch, "Numair's going through puberty. Hopefully she'll decide by the end."

"What is it?"

"I dunno. Let's commence! The basic plot is that our heroine is sold as a slave to a mean, course…'and unrefined! But now he's dear, and so unsure….'" Anne then broke into song. Numair continued for her.

"But our heroine uses her wit, charm, and beauty to bring him to good side of the sex life! Of course, she wants it and blah blah blah. So we've chosen some vital parts but the rest of you will have to go and…gather wood…"

"But we already did!" Tas piped up.

"That's nice. Okay, Sturm is our mean and course and 'unrefined…!" Numair broke into song. Anne took over.

"He's our mean cour—" she stopped, not wanting to go down that road again, "evil master dude. Raistlin our brave, beautiful, femme fatal…"

Tasslehoff laughed outright at Raistlin for that. We all know Raist doesn't like to be laughed at.

SWAT! "Ayeeeee!"

"Our fearsome slave-trader bad guy dude is Tanis…"

"Why?" the half-elf demanded, standing up from his spot on the log. He didn't want to be near Raistlin anymore.

"Because you're Annie's favorite character!" Numair declared, grinning from ear-to-ear. Tanis shot a death-glare in Anne's direction. 

"Caramon is Sturm gimpy, weak brother that's there for moral support for them both…"

Raistlin laughed while Caramon looked dejected.

"And Tasslehoff, a hood ornament."

"Yippee!" Tasslehoff exclaimed from his current position of hanging upside-down from a tree.

"Places!" the authors declared, passing around papers and kicking the un-needed characters out into the woods. They went all too willingly, the remaining characters looking longingly after them.

Tanis scanned his paper, rolled his eyes, and began ever so unenthusiastically. "Ha, you'll sell for quite a penny, you pretty lady you." He gagged.

Numair bounded over with a pink bow and began to attempt to tie it in the mage's white hair.

"Back! Back you demon spawn from the Abyss!" Raistlin snarled, swinging his staff in an arch, keeping Numair at bay. Numair, angry, threw the bow at him. Raistlin, assured, lowered the staff, heaving. Numair took the opportunity. Diving for the bow, Numair lunged, trying to get the bow in his hair. Raistlin began slapping Numair away. The two commenced to girl-fight.

"Back down mage, I've had plenty of practice with Annie!" Numair declared, puffing up her scrawny chest and standing up on tiptoes, slapping faster.

Anne sighed. Looking over, she saw Caramon begin to get to his feet, a warning growl resounding in his throat.

"Oh shit…" Both Anne and Numair both knew the wrath of brothers, specifically Anne's five elder brothers. Quick-thinking, Anne grabbed her notepad and scribbled down quickly. Caramon found himself tied to a tree. "It's okay Car-chan, we won't hurt him. He can take care of himself…"

Turning, Anne saw Raistlin, a pink ribbon tied in a knot on his head, bitch-slap Numair rather severely. 

"See?"

A few minutes later, they were finally organized. After promising Sturm there would be no _severe_ sexual escapades, they got him to swear to go along with their little game…

"Remember Raistina," Sturm muttered, not really acting all that well, "you belong to me now, I will get you for the murder of my brother."

Raistlin stood there in silence, brooding. Numair elbowed him, glancing over her shoulder at Caramon. Having done little other than cliché acting, the big warrior had calmed down and was now working on trying to get himself free.

Raistlin growled then continued. "Oh Sturmdymion, I am so sad. But killing your brother was fun."

"Raistlin!"

Anne rolled her eyes. "Blah blah blah, the oppression, growing attraction, blah blah blah…"

The other companions arrived and dumped a few twigs onto the huge pile of kindling that had formed. "There isn't any more." Flint stated, crossing his arms angrily.

"Fine, you can watch but be quiet." Numair instructed.

"Anyway," Anne said, "let's get to the meat of the action! Sex scene!"

The authors did not notice Riverwind pulling out a knife and begin to cut Caramon loose.

"What!?" Sturm cried, "You promised!"

"Yes we did. Nothing kinky, don't worry. Alright Sturmdymion, mount him!"

Raistlin hacked, doubling over onto the ground in a severe coughing fit.

"Look! He's willing!"

"No!" Sturm shouted, horrified to his very honor-bound being.

"Fine," Numair hissed, holding up the notepad, "time to get drastic."

Everyone turned to watch Numair, including Anne. Numair scribbled something down and, with a cry of shock and anger, Sturm knelt over Raistlin unwillingly with the power of the Writer behind his actions and reached for Raistlin's robe…

**BAM!!!**

Thud

Thudthudthud!

Caramon had escaped his bonds in time to punch Numair in the face, sending her sprawling across camp. He whirled upon Anne, eyes aflame and resembling his twin for a moment.

"Um…I had nothing to do with that…"

Caramon snorted like an angry bull having spotted red.

"Uh…I'll be going now…Bye!"

Zoom! Anne disappeared, running like hell, though her voice wafted back to the companions through the trees.

"We'll be back next chapter!!!!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

17/12/2002: Well, that was interesting. It's a school night and we're up at 10:16 writing this (and one of us has to wake up at 5 AM… not that she is bitter…). All for our adoring public (both notice no one reading this).

Apology Corner:

Raistlin: Do you sense a theme? Yeah, sorry.

Sturm: Not only for this, but your slightly OOC-ness… although we are pretty sure you would panic like that if you had to sleep with Raistlin…

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BLOOPER!!

(for last chapter, thought it would be funny)

_"How are we going to do that one?" groaned Numair. "Come on, think of something you've never seen, sexy hot elves, a naked woman!" Still nothing. "Damn, he's good."_

_ SMACK._

_ Raistlin's head jerked as a bright red spot appeared where Anne had slapped him. _

_ "There we go!" giggled Anne, patting herself on the back._

"ROAR!!!!!!" out of the trees burst Caramon, fury burning in his very essence that they had dared to strike his twin.

Yelping, Anne bolted. "Eep! Numair! Protect me!!!" Using her soccer skills Anne ran as though the ball were coming to her: away.

Numair was pushed aside as Caramon charged past after Anne's blood. Raistlin, Tanis, and Numair sat around glancing nervously at each other when they heard a BAM followed by a girly scream out in the woods.

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See ya next time! Remember to hit that button down there that says "Review," There's a good person. ^_^


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